I’m tired of people who don’t understand. I’m tired of pain. I’m tired of seeing people I love struggle. I’m just tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
The day after I found out my godmother has cancer, I felt compelled to blog. My godmother has been there from the day I was born. She lived 2 doors down from us and has been a trusted family friend and guardian for many years. She has had a hard life. Her daughter hasn’t been well, she lost her son at a young age, then her amazing husband (our godfather) and most recently and without warning her lifelong best friend. I supposed after all of that hurt, her body has finally had enough.
Times like this really put things into perspective. You start reflecting on your own life and your own decisions. You start to come to your senses and remember that really, right now, in this moment, is all we have. This can be quite scary. There is no real past or future, just now. I worry about the mortality and the health of people around me. Not in a selfish way, but because I want the best for them and I don’t want them to suffer.
Currently my mum and brother are living in a house that has 6 years of waste water under the floors. The kitchen fitters forgot to connect the waste water pipe in the kitchen and as a result all of the water from the sink and washing machine has been gushing under the floors and the foundations for the past 6 years. Mould is starting to form everywhere and to make matters worse the floor under our laminate is asbestos. My mum, brother and I have been so ill. Skin and eye irritation, breathing difficulties, flu like symptoms and nasal congestion. The housing association are dragging their heels. They think that they can come in; lift the lower floors and strip the walls while we live there. It’s killing my mum and brother as it is, without releasing it into the air. Mould is toxic and can cause cancer and asbestos can kill you. Mum is so tired from work and family dramas that she just doesn’t have the time or the fight left in her. She is the tenant so only she can deal with it all.
Just when we thought everything was going ok, it all falls apart again. It’s disappointing to say the least. I just want her and Fraser to be happy and healthy. I don’t want her to struggle, no more than I want my godmother or anyone I love. Life and people can be so unkind.
Work has been hectic and I’ve really neglected my loved ones. I worry and have such high levels of anxiety on a daily basis that this mood of fear is all that I am. I’m a worrier. That’s what I do and have always done. My threat system is on constant high alert and the inner bully in me cannot wait to attack and beat me down. I’ve managed to back myself into such a position that I feel like I am trapped and can’t breathe. The hours fly by and I couldn’t tell you what day of the week it is. I’m a total zombie with very few feelings other than fear, worry, exhaustion, anger or in-difference.
A lot has changed over the past few months and it’s all starting to take its toll on me. Having multiple issues and daily medication makes full time work really difficult. I feel like a lot of the medication (especially sumitryptan) dumbs me down and makes it hard for me to concentrate.
I know my pain levels are often made worse by stress levels but sometimes it’s just from over doing it. I’m weak. To the point where I struggle to lift a 500g tub of butter. It physically hurts to lift a 500ml bottle. Doing so puts pressure on my arms, back and neck and in turn causes my jaw and face to hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, it is a lot better than a few years back when I couldn’t stand for more than 2 mins and my mother had to physically lift my head off of the pillow or the back of the chair. I have a lot more freedom of movement. But it still isn’t anywhere what I would class as “normal”.
I’ve also picked up a terrible habit of biting my bottom inside lip when I’m feeling stressed or anxious. Which is practically all the time at the moment. As I can’t feel it due to numbness, I bite away until it bleeds. Some weird form of self torture, I suppose. But all this pushing and pulling also puts pressure on my joints.
I’m still getting the optical pain caused by the pressure around the neck muscles but this has eased off somewhat since the spring equinox. For those who are interested; the NHS have been doing trials for some time looking to find relationships between cluster migraines and the moon cycles. Having suffered from migraine and nerve pain for over 5 years I can definitely see a difference in the pressure of my head and face before and after the Autumn and Spring Equinox. This could be due to the warmer brighter weather or there might be some truth in the theory of the moon cycles affecting our pain. They control the tides and we are made up of approx 65% water, so why isn’t it possible that the moon can affect us?
On another note I tried Bowen for the first time last week. Bowen is a relatively new therapy created by the Australians in the 1950’s. Unlike deep tissue massage this treatment uses light movements and is mainly concerned with dealing with the fascia. Fascia is the band or sheet of connective tissue and primarily collagen, beneath the skin that attaches, stabilises, encloses, and separates muscles and other internal organs. It links to the whole nervous system.
Each session typically involves gentle rolling motions along the muscles, tendons, and fascia. The therapist then pauses between each physical intervention to allow the body to reset and adapt to the treatment. The appointment takes around 1 hour.
During my session I could feel a slight sting around the area that had been manipulated and then I had quite a few involuntary muscle twitches around my body. This was not unpleasant and the whole experience was actually quite relaxing. After my appointment I was advised to rest and continue with medication and normal exercise (which is non-existent). I was advised not to take really hot or cold showers or baths and to drink plenty of water. I have been to one appointment so far so I am yet to see if it helps my pain levels. I shall update you in due time.
In summery I just want to say, although you may be tired and in pain and feel like no one truly understands, you are loved and valued and by just reading and gaining knowledge you can help so many people. All of the treatments, drugs and struggles, they all help to inform and treat other people. Many of times I’ve been on the edge of breaking down and giving up and one nice word from a kind heart is all it takes to snap me out of it.
We don’t know how long we are going to be here and it’s ok to be a little bit selfish. You have to help yourself and take time for you. You are imperfectly perfect and I hope that when you read this you understand that you mean something to me. By reading, sharing, learning or commenting on my content, you are allowing for me to grow and for others to connect with you. I can’t always answer all of the questions but you have taken the time to reply and share your knowledge and experiences with my readers. It’s so brave and I admire you all.
Until next time my jaw-geous lot.
With love always,